entertainers

I always want to say to people who want to be rich and famous: 'try being rich first'. See if that doesn't cover most of it. There's not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a 24-hour job.
 -- Bill Murray
%
While I have felt lonely many times in my life, the oddest feeling of all was after my mother, Lucille, died. My father had already died, but I always had some attachment to our big family while she was alive. It seems strange to say now that I felt so lonely, yet I did.
 -- Bill Murray
%
There's only a couple times when fame is ever helpful. Sometimes you can get into a restaurant where the kitchen is just closing. Sometimes you can avoid a traffic violation. But the only time it really matters is in the emergency room with your kids. That's when you want to be noticed, because it's very easy to get forgotten in an ER.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I've never made any horrible, horrible movies. If you don't ruin your reputation, you can always get work.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Somewhere there's a score being kept, so you have an obligation to live life as well as you can, be as engaged as you can.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time.
 -- Bill Murray
%
When you see grown men near to tears because they've missed hitting a little white ball into a hole from three feet, it makes you laugh.
 -- Bill Murray
%
In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there.
 -- Bill Murray
%
The studios don't seem to foster good writing. They're not so interested in that, but they're more interested in what worked most recently. They're definitely very serious about making money, and that's not a wrong thing, but you don't have to make money the same way all the time.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I'm a nut, but not just a nut.
 -- Bill Murray
%
There aren't many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that's a 24 hour job right there.
 -- Bill Murray
%
One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.
 -- Bill Murray
%
And I don't like to work. I only like working when I'm working.
 -- Bill Murray
%
When the phone started ringing too many times, I had to take it back to what I can handle. I take my chances on a job or a person as opposed to a situation. I don't like to have a situation placed over my head.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Golf was my first glimpse of comedy. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I was on the golf course rather than being in lessons, but I can play better now than I could then.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Parties are only bad when a fight breaks out, when men fight over women or vice versa. Someone takes a fall, an ambulance comes, and the police arrive. If you can avoid those things, pretty much all behaviour is acceptable.
 -- Bill Murray
%
We're born alone. We do need each other. It's lonely to really effectively live your life, and anyone you can get help from or give help to; that's part of your obligation.
 -- Bill Murray
%
No one really wants to admit they are lonely, and it is never really addressed very much between friends and family. But I have felt lonely many times in my life.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I go home and stay there. I wash and scrub up each day, and that's it. One month I actually grew a moustache, just so I could say that I'd done something.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Don't think about your errors or failures; otherwise, you'll never do a thing.
 -- Bill Murray
%
The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Here's the thing, you just have to drive a lot faster, and if you don't get there, we're both fired.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I don't want to be that guy mumbling into his drink at a bar.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I think midlife crisis is just a point where people's careers have reached some plateau and they have to reflect on their personal relationships.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Sometimes I snore, like when I get really tired.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I went to Second City, where you learned to make the other actor look good so you looked good and National Lampoon, where you had to create everything out of nothing, and SNL, where you couldn't make any mistakes, and you learned what collaboration was.
 -- Bill Murray
%
People only talk about what a joyous experience it is, but there is terror: Your life, as you know it, is over. It's over the day that child is born. It's over, and something completely new starts.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Yeah, I think that's sort of the American way. And it's also the Polish way, it turns out.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Awards are meaningless to me, and I have nothing but disdain for anyone who actively campaigns to get one.
 -- Bill Murray
%
'Groundhog Day' was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn't even get nominated for an Academy Award.
 -- Bill Murray
%
People say I'm difficult and sometimes that's a badge of honour.
 -- Bill Murray
%
When I work, my first relationship with people is professional.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I realized the more fun I had, the more relaxed I was working, the better I worked.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I throw a Christmas party at my house. It's not really a Christmas party, because I don't want to call it a Christmas party. But let's just say I put a lot of Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good.
 -- Bill Murray
%
All of us kids ended up 'doing Mom.' There are four of us who've tried show business. Five if you insist on counting my sister the nun, who does liturgical dance.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I don't know how this guy knew how much money I was making. I didn't know how much money I was making.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I think all phases of one's career are serious if you take it seriously no matter if you are doing high profile dramatic pieces or not.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they're reading the damn screen. That's more reading than people used to do.
 -- Bill Murray
%
This really should be kept secret, but you can learn a lot by watching the making-of DVDs. Every actor should do it. You figure out what you're dealing with.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I don't want to have a relationship with someone if I'm not going to work with them.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I came out of the old Second City in Chicago. Chicago actors are more hard-nosed. They're tough on themselves and their fellow actors. They're self-demanding.
 -- Bill Murray
%
There are people who drove me crazy, but they got the job done. And when I see that person again, I nod my head. Respect.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Whenever I think of the high salaries we are paid as film actors, I think it is for the travel, the time away, and any trouble you get into through being well known. It's not for the acting, that's for sure.
 -- Bill Murray
%
But I can only take so much TV, because there is so much advice. I find people will preach about virtually anything - your diet, how to live your life, how to improve your golf. The lot. I have always had a thing against the Mister Know-It-Alls.
 -- Bill Murray
%
My favorite thing about New York is the people, because I think they're misunderstood. I don't think people realize how kind New York people are.
 -- Bill Murray
%
One of my gripes about movies is that people take them so seriously, and the moneymaking aspects are so brutal.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I feel that if you really want an Oscar, you're in trouble. It's like wanting to be married - you'll take anybody. If you want the Oscar really badly, it becomes a naked desire and ambition. It becomes very unattractive.
 -- Bill Murray
%
I've been lucky, I've had movies that made a lot of money, so I don't feel like I have to kill every time out. I don't want that pressure. I don't need it.
 -- Bill Murray
%
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
 -- Groucho Marx
%
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Humor is reason gone mad.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Women should be obscene and not heard.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Go, and never darken my towels again.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
 -- Groucho Marx
%
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Room service? Send up a larger room.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
 -- Groucho Marx
%
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I like children - fried.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Never give a sucker an even break.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I drink therefore I am.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I must have a drink of breakfast.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I never met a kid I liked.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
 -- W. C. Fields
%
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
 -- Mitch Hedberg
%
Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.
~ Will Rogers
%
A fool and his money are soon elected.
~ Will Rogers
%
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers
%
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
~ Will Rogers
%
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~ Will Rogers
%
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
~ Will Rogers
%
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
~ Will Rogers
%
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
~ Will Rogers
%
This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
~ Will Rogers
%
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
~ Will Rogers
%
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
~ Will Rogers
%
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
~ Will Rogers
%
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
~ Will Rogers
%
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
~ Will Rogers
%
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
~ Will Rogers
%
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
~ Will Rogers
%
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
~ Will Rogers
%
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
~ Will Rogers
%
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'
~ Will Rogers
%
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
~ Will Rogers
%
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
~ Will Rogers
%
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
~ Will Rogers
%
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
~ Will Rogers
%
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
~ Will Rogers
%
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
~ Will Rogers
%
The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.
~ Will Rogers
%
Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there.
~ Will Rogers
%
Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.
~ Will Rogers
%
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
~ Will Rogers
%
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
~ Will Rogers
%
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
~ Will Rogers
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
~ Will Rogers
%
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'
~ Will Rogers
%
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
~ Will Rogers
%
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.
~ Will Rogers
%
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
~ Will Rogers
%
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
~ Will Rogers
%
People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
~ Will Rogers
%
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
~ Will Rogers
%
The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
~ Will Rogers
%
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
~ Will Rogers
%
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
~ Will Rogers
%
The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
~ Will Rogers
%
If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.
~ Will Rogers
%
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
~ Will Rogers
%
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
~ Will Rogers
%
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
~ Will Rogers
%
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
~ Will Rogers
%
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
~ Will Rogers
%
America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
~ Will Rogers
%
Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
~ Will Rogers
%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
~ Will Rogers
%
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
~ Will Rogers
%
America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
~ Will Rogers
%
Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
~ Will Rogers
%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
~ Will Rogers
%
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
~ Will Rogers
%
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
~ Will Rogers
%
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
~ Will Rogers
%
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
~ Will Rogers
%
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
~ Will Rogers
%
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
~ Will Rogers
%
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
~ Will Rogers
%
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
~ Will Rogers
%
Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.
~ Will Rogers
%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
~ Will Rogers
%
Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.
~ Will Rogers
%
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
~ Will Rogers
%
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
~ Will Rogers
%
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
~ Will Rogers
%
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.
~ Will Rogers
%
So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
~ Will Rogers
%
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~ Will Rogers
%
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
~ Will Rogers
%
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
~ Will Rogers
%
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
~ Will Rogers
%
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
~ Will Rogers
%
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
~ Will Rogers
%
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
~ Will Rogers
%
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
~ Will Rogers
%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
~ Will Rogers
%
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
~ Will Rogers
%
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
~ Will Rogers
%
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
~ Will Rogers
%
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
~ Will Rogers
%
I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
~ Will Rogers
%
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
~ Will Rogers
%
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
~ Will Rogers
%
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
~ Will Rogers
%
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
~ Will Rogers
%
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
~ Will Rogers
%
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
~ Will Rogers
%
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
~ Will Rogers
%
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
~ Will Rogers
%
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
~ Will Rogers
%
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
~ Will Rogers
%
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
~ Will Rogers
%
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
~ Will Rogers
%
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
~ Will Rogers
%
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
~ Will Rogers
%
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
~ Will Rogers
%
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
~ Will Rogers
%
Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
~ Will Rogers
%
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
~ Will Rogers
%
One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials.
~ Will Rogers
%
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
~ Will Rogers
%
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
~ Will Rogers
%
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
~ Will Rogers
%
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
~ Will Rogers
%
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
~ Will Rogers
%
Politics is applesauce.
~ Will Rogers
%
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
~ Will Rogers
%
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
~ Will Rogers
%
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
~ Will Rogers
%
When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.
~ Will Rogers
%
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
~ Will Rogers
%
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
~ Will Rogers
%
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
~ Will Rogers
%
Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
~ Will Rogers
%
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
~ Will Rogers
%
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
~ Will Rogers
%
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
~ Will Rogers
%
Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
  --  Jim Henson
%
When I was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope is to leave the world a little better for having been there.
  --  Jim Henson
%
When I was a kid, I never saw a puppet show. I never played with puppets or had any interest in them.
  --  Jim Henson
%
You're assisting the audience to understand; you're giving them a bridge or an access. And if you don't give them that, if you keep it more abstract, it's almost more pure. It's a cooler thing.
  --  Jim Henson
%
It's into the same bag as E.T. and Yoda, wherein you're trying to create something that people will actually believe, but it's not so much a symbol of the thing, but you're trying to do the thing itself.
  --  Jim Henson
%
At the time of Polaroid - and I did a couple of other commercials just before I stopped doing that stuff - at that point I was at the level where they respect you and your opinion and all that sort of thing.
  --  Jim Henson
%
The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.
  --  Jim Henson
%
I've never felt any sense of competition with anybody, and we're all friends; we're all good friends.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Somebody like a Piggy or a Kermit, there needs to be several versions and so there will be several of them.
  --  Jim Henson
%
I do remember doing shows strictly in black and white, too, so you're right.
  --  Jim Henson
%
But with The Dark Crystal, instead of puppetry we're trying to go toward a sense of realism - toward a reality of creatures that are actually alive and we're mixing up puppetry and all kinds of other techniques.
  --  Jim Henson
%
I think my own strengths are in television production.
  --  Jim Henson
%
My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.
  --  Jim Henson
%
I was very interested in theatre, mostly in stage design. I did a little bit of acting.
  --  Jim Henson
%
If you're doing a large, complicated character with radio controls, it might take a number of people several months to make it and if you're talking about a quick little hand puppet, it could be made in 2 days, so there's enormous range there, and no real easy generalities.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Yeah, we pretty much had a form and a shape by that time - a style - and I think one of the advantages of not having any relationship to any other puppeteer was that it gave me a reason to put those together myself for the needs of television.
  --  Jim Henson
%
If anything, there's a difference in working with color in England and the color in the US.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Yeah, I think we did the term Muppets before we got the show Sam and Friends - a few months after I started working.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Actually the copies of characters is something I don't particularly like to talk about in articles but just for your information, most characters there's only one.
  --  Jim Henson
%
There was a little afternoon show that was called Afternoon. Back in those days in television, most local stations had a midday show for housewives that had a series of things. It was like a variety show for midday.
  --  Jim Henson
%
I decided that what I really wanted to do was go off and paint.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Yeah, well when I first started working, it was $5 a show; it was probably a little higher by the time I got to my own show, but I remember that they put me under contract at $100 a week, which to me was really an astronomical price.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Yeah, I did some small parts in high school and the first year of college and then fairly soon thereafter I settled into the backstage scenery, and then at the University of Maryland I was doing posters for their productions.
  --  Jim Henson
%
At the University of Maryland, my first year I started off planning to major in art because I was interested in theatre design, stage design or television design.
  --  Jim Henson
%
Well, Detroit Institute is kind of a key - probably the largest permanent collection of puppets in the US.
  --  Jim Henson
%
No, there's not much competition between puppeteers in general because everybody's working their own style.
  --  Jim Henson
%
NBC was trying to convert all of their local programming to color right away to encourage the sale of the sets, so I barely remember working in black and white, although I do know that I did do it, but there was not a major difference, though.
  --                  Jim Henson
%
It has always been difficult to get Big Bird to be very pretty. Big Bird in England is much more gorgeous.
  --                  Jim Henson
%
When The Muppet Show ended, we all sat around and said, what kind of television show would we like to do. We felt the need these days are for some quality children's programming.
  --                  Jim Henson
%
We thought it would be fun to try to design a show that would work well internationally and so that' s what we're intending to do with Fraggle Rock, and we are indeed now selling it around the world.
  --                  Jim Henson
%
I don't buy diamonds, I don't buy cars, but I enjoy travelling. I'm not a very possessive person as far as things go.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I'd like to read a book sometime. I've never read a book before. That'd be an adventure. I understand they have pages and everything. Yeah, I've got to do that sometime.
  --  Frank Oz
%
The more work I do, the more important it is to work with people I like - who are very talented.
  --  Frank Oz
%
A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
  --  Frank Oz
%
The biggest problems with movies are expectations.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I have no idea what a British sensibility or a British sense of humor is. I have no concept of what that is. I have no concept of what American sensibility is. I was born in Great Britain, but I was only there for six months, and we moved to Belgium, where I grew up.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I've rewritten a lot of the scripts I've done. 'Little Shop Of Horrors' was a complete rewrite, but I didn't touch the dialogue. Essentially, I'm a very good editor.
  --  Frank Oz
%
Always two there are, a master and an apprentice.
  --  Frank Oz
%
In order to be a star performer you have to have someone to play against.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I look back on my work and I think, 'Oh, why didn't I do that differently?'
  --  Frank Oz
%
Well, Hollywood isn't made up of individual studio heads anymore. It's made of corporations. And corporations are looking for the bottom line. They don't want to take chances. They want the money back for stockholders.
  --  Frank Oz
%
The Stepford Wives' was too big, and it was unsatisfying to do. Not that it was unsatisfying to do, but it was unsatisfying as a result because, as much as I loved parts of it, and I'm really proud of so much of it, the entire movie wasn't what I wanted it to be. It's my own fault; I didn't follow my instincts.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I've always wanted to do non-comedies. I've always done dramas, comedies, music, and I always like to bop around and do different things.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I was born in Hereford, England, in 1944. We moved when they had an opportunity to get a visa, about 1950. My dad always thought Europe was a bit too small for him. He wanted to see the United States... The typical immigrant story. He wanted a better life for his children, too. He always tried to get the visa, and it didn't come up.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I never wanted to be a puppeteer. I stopped puppeteering when I was about 18. I puppeteered when I was eleven years old to 18 to make extra money to go to Europe, which I made half of and my parents gave me half.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I bought a tape recorder and some stuff and went to Europe for three months when I was 18. The puppeteering was only there as a hobby. I wanted to be a journalist. When I was 19, and after I had spent about a year in college, Jim Henson asked me to come out and try puppeteering for awhile.
  --  Frank Oz
%
The power of the 'Muppets,' and the popularity of these characters, is so iconic in people's lives that I had to distance myself from publicly. Not privately... Privately, hell, I'm with them for life, and I love these people. They're my second family.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I wouldn't like to be that famous, I value my privacy. Mind you, Miss Piggy enjoys every moment of it. If it were not for me, she would spend all her time in the limelight.
  --  Frank Oz
%
Oakland Technical High School. Like any high-school experience, it was ambiguous. I was shy with girls; I had friends, but there were times I didn't feel I had the right friends. My grades were only so-so.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I'm not politically committed at all in the popular sense; that is, to any party. I'm committed to whatever's best for the normal working person. I'm not a great fan of politics.
  --  Frank Oz
%
There's a few movies I wanted to do, and I didn't get to do them partly because they wanted me to be part of the horse and pony show, getting the money, and I'm just not doing that. There's a few movies that people wanted me to do, but they were too safe.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I love 'Time Bandits;' it's great.
  --  Frank Oz
%
I'm not an art director; I'm just not. I've always been somebody who has a sensibility that I hope is the same sensibility of others.
  --  Frank Oz
%
Hope and Crosby made seven 'Road' movies, starting in 1940 with 'Road to Singapore.' The movies were always about Crosby and Hope fleeing America and finding Dorothy Lamour in some exotic location. Bob's character was cocky and cowardly; Bing's character was smooth and unruffled. They were great characters - lousy, lovable guys.
  --  Frank Oz
%
What I remember most about the 'Road' movies is my enjoyment at watching the two characters sparring with each other. But more important than that was my feeling that Hope and Crosby were enjoying the sparring, too.
  --  Frank Oz
%
It was lights, camera, inaction.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
I got my head bashed in at a demonstration against the Vietnam War. Police were losing control because they were up against a world they really didn't understand.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
You get trapped by stories. Though I've got this reputation for being out of control, it's not true, it just happens to be a more interesting story than the truth.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
Literally overnight, I became an animator... and one that was well-known.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
It's been interesting how kids have had hardly any problems watching it, but adults have more trouble. This happened way back even with Jabberwocky and Time Bandits.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
Hyperbole is something I'd better avoid.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
We took up the offer with the BBC, and that was Monty Python's Flying Circus. I didn't have to submit my ideas to the group. I used to turn up on the days we recorded with a can of film under my arm, and in it went.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
We did Holy Grail, and I got my name up there as one of the directors. After that, I started moving more and more down the line I wanted to, which was making movies.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
They make Spy Kids, they make Scream, they make A Scary Movie. This doesn't do that, so it could be a very bad marriage. I'm trying to keep this potential nightmare quiet because we're just finishing editing.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
There was a perverse side of me, with things like Van Helsing coming out. I didn't want to go down that route.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
There are moments when television systems are young and haven't formed properly, and there's room for lots of original stuff. Then things become more and more top-heavy with executives who are trying to guarantee the success of things.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
People used to think we just faked all that stuff... it was all written, rehearsed. The fact that it looks as cobbled together as it does is just that we weren't very good.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
John Cleese was with a group called Cambridge Circus, who had come to New York, and we became friends. Years later that produced a certain team effort.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
It's 85 million dollars and they got to be really careful because they are going to need me.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
In advertising, I was frustrated by having to deal with the client. It was the only time I really worked in a proper office, and I didn't like it-simple as that.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
I was getting frustrated with America. It's interesting how as simple a thing as, like, letting your hair grow longer changed in the world in those days.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
I was doing political cartoons and getting angry to the point where I felt I was going to have to start making and throwing bombs. I thought I was probably a better cartoonist than a bomb maker.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
I was born in 1940 in Minnesota and grew up in the country... dirt roads, swamps, lakes, woods.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
I keep referring to them in the plural but all I'm dealing with is Bob. I don't know where Harvey fits in the equation. He was very present at the beginning, winding his brother up. I don't know where he is now.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
At the first screening, there were a lot of areas that we went around and around about. Then we had our second screening. It played better. It's almost a reasonable length film now!
  --  Terry Gilliam
%
Actually, I began to think that maybe there is a god, after all. Or maybe it's a different one. The old one got fired.
  --  Terry Gilliam
%